nesting or withdrawl

So we're still out of our house ( insert sad face), however we're planning on moving back in this weekend. We won't have base cabinets or a kitchen sink for cabinets but to be honest at this point I don't care, and after a very frustrating conversation with the cabinet people who said the cabinets will still be 3 weeks that was enough to put me over the emotional edge leading to a phone call asking out restoration guy if he could put the rest of our house back together so we could move back. My very grateful heart was so thankful that he so willing did so in such a fast manor that we will be able to go in asap ( insert happy face)

Joel and I took a little vacation about a week ago and headed down to New York, it was an amazing trip and much needed for both him and I. We did everything you need to do while there and ate WAYYYYY more food then you should, but it was so good. We flew my mom in so she could have some time to connect with the chubster and that went really well. I was nervous being that it was the first time we'd be leaving him for a long period of time but I knew he was is great hands and he had a great time with his grandma and we had a great getaway.

Since being home I've had this crazy urge to start getting our house ready for Chubster #2, I'm not sure if this is the approaching 3rd trimester nesting kicking in already or if it's with drawl because I haven't been able to do my favorite thing for so long, making my house a warm and inviting home. It's probably a bit of both, either way I need to start cleaning, organizing and DIYing before I explode. Chubster's big boy bedroom is constantly on my mind along with the urge to start filling my freezer with frozen meals and goodies for the hubster. I want to clean out closets and purge the unused items that are taking up valuable space that will be needed in the very near future. Just talking about this makes me so happy. I'm so close I can feel it, maybe because the weekend is less then 24hrs away or maybe because I couldn't handle it anymore so the chubster and I went on a trek to Home Sense and Urban barn this morning and purchased some super cute little things that will aid in organization and springing up the house ( as it stands all my Christmas garland and lights are still on the upper cabinets and the fire place mantle and it's time for that season to go bye bye)

well it's time to go because I hear a little mister stirring in his bed ready to play play play

They can, so why can't I

This will probably be one of the most personal blog I will ever write and all though I tend to keep these things to myself I'm ready to explode so I need to put it out there so please don't judge me, and if you do want to judge me then that's fine just keep it to yourself because I'm hard enough on myself without your "thoughts and opinions " besides I'm guessing that chances are those of you who do judge have never been here.

I've spent a lot of my life keeping things to myself, I wasn't vault tight or anything when it came to sharing but I would rather not talk about what has bothering me or hurting me. For those of you who do this DON'T. I say don't because I know that if it hasn't happened already at some point something breaks in you and it is not an easy things to fix.

I can actually remember the moment the place and person who was the final flying rock at my already cracked windshield and in that moment I was broken. Since that moment it has been a very slow process of finding every little crack and fixing it. It's slow and at points it feels like I'm going backwards alot faster then I'm going forward.

"THEY CAN, SO WHY CAN'T I " is a thought that plagues me every time something is going on in my life that I can't figure out how to deal with. Around 6 months after I had my son I gave in and went on a medication for post partum depression, a life time of pent up feelings topped by crappy pregnancy, brutal labour and a very challenging baby put me in a place a lot worse then I had ever been, something really wasn't right and every attempt to fix it fell flat, so for my sake and for the chubsters sake I accepted the perscription and it helped andlife did turn around, I could actually enjoy little things and deal with things with out mealting down from an overflow of overwhelming feelings and anxiety. The problem and what's so hard for me is that even on this medication my ability to deal is still below par when I compare myself to others. They stay so calm and collected and don't let these situations sake them to the core, if they can do this why can't I.

It has been a really hard month ( as I'm sure you can tell by my debby down blog posts) but this week has been really hard and I'm in that exact same situation, I can't deal in an affective way and I'm left crying on the couch, a big mess, broken and feeling like a failure. lots of people can do this, why can't I. Why do I want to run and hide, why do I feel like what is going on is never going to end when I know it will, why am i such a mess because there's really no reason I should be, and why can they do it but I can't?

Stir crazy

So I'm pretty much losing my mind, I've adjusted as much as I can to not living in my house, although I'm still very anxious to get back home I'm trying really hard not to stress about it. However there is one thing I'm not adjusting too......boredom. If I were at home I would organize something, a room, a cupboard anything that needed to be organized. I have noting here to organize so that's out. I would rearrange furniture or the way books and objects are displayed on my bookshelves, hmmm no bookshelves and the furniture is pretty much where it needs to be in order to fit. Start a project, make something cool for the house, again, I have nothing here to use, to make anything with. I can't even bake because that would mean having to haul all my baking stuff here. Ahhhhh I'm going crazy, my creative juices are being blocked. And the worst part about it is how I'm compensating, oh yes, that's right I am trying to fill the void, the problem is that the void filler is coming in the form of online shopping. I mean I am reading and exercising and going for walks but I'm also ONLINE SHOPPING eeeek. Not good not good. Maybe I need to take up Sudoku or online scrabble. Any suggestions ?

my oh my

It's Tuesday morning and I'm sitting on the couch looking out the window of the 22nd floor condo we're currently living in. It looks right out onto the city and the Saskatchewan river. It's quite pretty but it's not home. Just over a week ago the main floor of our home flooded as a result of a mishap under the kitchen sink. So now our home, floor less, without cabinets or furniture or the sound of my little family sits empty as it waits to be fixed. I'm 100% a home body and then add being pregnant into that equation and you get someone who isn't adjusting well, and as it turns out I'm pretty sure that although the chubster is social like his dad he's a home body too so he is not adjusting well either. It's been a really hard week and a half and I'm wondering how I'm going to last for, potentially, another month and a half sigh. I'm trying really hard to count my blessings and remain optimistic but it has been and continues to be a struggle.

Remeber me

O.k. this has probably been my longest blog drought yet, you know it's been long when it takes you 3 trys to get your password right :/ The Chubster has a hit a rather lengthy needy stage, which basically means no computer or phone if avoidable while he's awake. I'm sure many have experienced this stage but basically what happens if you try and partake in these activities and he catches you is a mini barbarian arises and things get a bit crazy. The kind of crazy you would rather just avoid then deal with. I have been assured that this stage typically goes away around 17 months, however given that the chubster is only 15 months old I'm yet to feel comforted by this number.

Anyways, I'm here now thanks to my over active brain that decided to go on a rampage at around 5 am this morning leading me to give up on going back to sleep around 6 and lugging my butt out of bed and straight to the kitchen to make myself some coffee.

For those of you who haven't heard chubster #2 is planning an arrive late may which is the primary reason for my brain going into overdrive, so manythings to consider. Which 2 child stroller should I get, Should I work a bit more so that I qualify for mat leave pay, where am I going to put all the crap in the spare bedroom, I should organize the basement so I can put all the crap down there and so on and so on and so on. I wish that those were actually the only things waking me up but the list continues for a few more pages sadely enough, Is it just mean or does anybody else have this problem.

All that aside things are going really well, I decided to Decorate for Christmas mid November this year since it seems like Decemebr is such a crazy month and so far it has made me really happy, this year I've really enjoyed the Christmasy feeling in our home apposed to past years where I have waited, not had the time, and then felt ripped off because I didn't have the time to enjoy the ombyonce of Sparkling lights on the tree and the smell of Christmas cookies flooding the house. I love this time of the year :)

Well I think I'll wrap it up for now, just incase your bored, I'm hoping for some more time to blog this month, preferably not at 6 am but atleast it's nice and peacful in our house with no distractions. Enjoy the Holiday season

eeek, only one week

There's only one week left of October, oh man oh man. This might not have any significance to anybody else but what it means to me is I only have 3 weeks left to complete my fall purge/organization. I'm a little OCD when it comes to certain things and organization and clutter in my home are two of those things. Piles of papers and stuff give me anxiety and disorganization leaves me fluster and frustrated. So in order to avoid these things I have to stay on top of them. This fall I'm finding it to be the worst ever because the hubster works so much in the summer and now with the chubster it leaves not a great deal of time for me to get done what I want to get done. I think it's also so bad because last year I had just had a baby and physically coun't do anything. But this year is different and Christmas is coming and I like Christmas to be about relaxing and enjoying and celebrating and not about melting down because I can't handle the caos in my house. So the list came out and my progress definetly needs to increase. So here is a little glimpse of my " to do" list

1. Organize and purge pantry
2. Organize and purge spare bedroom
3. Sell car, desk, and couch
4. Collect cloths and shoes for community living
5. Organize walk-in closet
6. Paint dresser and chairs so I can park in garage
7. Force hubster to hang TV on the wall and get cords off the ground
8. put up shelves and drying rod in laundry room
9. drink a starbucks and take a nap

Oh man I'm tired just thinking about it all, well hopefully I can pull it off and by the middle of November all I'll have to worry about is Christmas shopping, Christmas decorating, drinking more starbucks, taking more naps and BAKING, oh how I love baking :)

And Breath.....hold that thought

Fall is here and thanks to the wind most of the beautifully colored evidence has blown away. The GREAT NEWS is that we managed to just sneak in before the leaves were forced to vacate their cozy tree branches and we spent a beautiful fall morning with out favorite photographer Heather Fritz having family pictures done. Now I am eagerly awaiting the the email telling me they are ready.

I always love the coming of fall, it is by far my favorite season, even though some years it's longer then others. The warmth of golden yellow, burnt orange , and crisp apple red adorning the front doors of homes in the form of a festive wreath, the comfort of those body warming meals that re-surface in your menu planning and the smell of the air, I think that is my favorite. I also love bringing out the comfy cozy sweaters that go so well with your favorite pair of jeans. Yup, the best season by far. Oh and of course we can't forget Thanksgiving mmmmm Turkey time.

Since I married my stud muffin of a husband 4 years ago there is one element of fall that I keep telling myself I love until I remembered that I am not being truthful with myself. I always look forward to fall because that is when life starts to slow down. NOPE, that is a big fat LIE that I have been telling myself every single year and then fall comes and it gets busier. Where the heck did I come up with this ridiculous notion. My Hubster is a carpenter who works in the area of concrete. We live in a province where it is cold for a pretty solid 5 months, and we're not talking just a little cold. SOOOO being that fall is the predecessor to winter life gets really crazy because everyone wants to get there concrete work done yesterday not tomorrow and so starts my favorite season minus my favorite man and that part of fall really sucks

The hubster bought me a Nikon D3100 for our anniversary, completely surprising me and I have loved every minute of it. HOWEVER I really did want to learn how to use this fancy camera so that I could take the best pictures possible of those special day to day moments. So when the opportunity was graciously given to me (by Heather Fritz my favorite photographer) to join her SLR class that she teaches I jumped on it like my hound dog on a poppy diaper ( a gross story that I will not share YUCK). So on these beautiful fall days that are void of my Mr. Hubbalicious I have been practicing and practicing take pictures on the manual setting of my camera and although I'm no professional I can honestly say I will never use automatic again. And then maybe when winter shows it's snowy face we (me and the hubster) will return to breathing, relax and I will then attempt him how to use this fancy piece of equipment. In the mean time here are a few pictures I've taken on the manual setting of my camera

The Chubster

The Chubster's buddy Tyler

The Chubster swinging