They can, so why can't I

This will probably be one of the most personal blog I will ever write and all though I tend to keep these things to myself I'm ready to explode so I need to put it out there so please don't judge me, and if you do want to judge me then that's fine just keep it to yourself because I'm hard enough on myself without your "thoughts and opinions " besides I'm guessing that chances are those of you who do judge have never been here.

I've spent a lot of my life keeping things to myself, I wasn't vault tight or anything when it came to sharing but I would rather not talk about what has bothering me or hurting me. For those of you who do this DON'T. I say don't because I know that if it hasn't happened already at some point something breaks in you and it is not an easy things to fix.

I can actually remember the moment the place and person who was the final flying rock at my already cracked windshield and in that moment I was broken. Since that moment it has been a very slow process of finding every little crack and fixing it. It's slow and at points it feels like I'm going backwards alot faster then I'm going forward.

"THEY CAN, SO WHY CAN'T I " is a thought that plagues me every time something is going on in my life that I can't figure out how to deal with. Around 6 months after I had my son I gave in and went on a medication for post partum depression, a life time of pent up feelings topped by crappy pregnancy, brutal labour and a very challenging baby put me in a place a lot worse then I had ever been, something really wasn't right and every attempt to fix it fell flat, so for my sake and for the chubsters sake I accepted the perscription and it helped andlife did turn around, I could actually enjoy little things and deal with things with out mealting down from an overflow of overwhelming feelings and anxiety. The problem and what's so hard for me is that even on this medication my ability to deal is still below par when I compare myself to others. They stay so calm and collected and don't let these situations sake them to the core, if they can do this why can't I.

It has been a really hard month ( as I'm sure you can tell by my debby down blog posts) but this week has been really hard and I'm in that exact same situation, I can't deal in an affective way and I'm left crying on the couch, a big mess, broken and feeling like a failure. lots of people can do this, why can't I. Why do I want to run and hide, why do I feel like what is going on is never going to end when I know it will, why am i such a mess because there's really no reason I should be, and why can they do it but I can't?