Bad days come around and everything crumbles

To day is a really bad day. When these days happen I just fall apart and everything comes to a meeting point of brokenness. It's hard to explain the joy and pain that comes along with being a mom. When I look at my little boy I'm amazed by how perfectly he was created, he has his own little quirks and personality and watching him learn new thing is the greatest thing ever. He giggles at the funniest things and offers anyone that comes his way a smile. I am so glad that he is in my life and when I'm away from him I miss him terribly, but there is another side of it too. The side of feeling like a failure; failure because despite your very best effort sometimes there is just nothing you can do to make things better. So far my history of not being able to make things better is quite vast and on days like today the guilt of these failures just consumes me. I couldn't push my baby out, I tried, I tried for a really long time and then they had to get him out. I remember the nurses and doctors flooding into the room and all of them doing something to me, the oxygen mask went and they unhooked me from one machine and hooked me up to another and then we took of running down the hall. I remember shaking uncontrollably because off all the drugs in me while they worked behind the tent . I was completely helpless. Then I couldn't feed my baby, again I tried long and hard and did everything I could because those stupid "breast milk is best" commercials made me feel like I was letting my child down because I had to give him formula but he was starving, they don't talk about how to deal with that in pre-natal classes. So I was on medication and I pumped and I did everything and nothing worked. Then I found out he couldn't have milk after 2 months of him being in pain, so we had to put him on special formula that was worth it's weight in gold, and I was angry because I couldn't seem to get anything right. These last couple days we've been teething pretty bad so we wake up whining and miserable and spend the entire day this way. Today I'm struggling to handle it because there's nothing I can do which bring this flood of past failures to a head and I get overwhelmed and angry and frustrated and I just wonder what is wrong with me. I'm not sharing this to make you feel bad for me, I sharing these things because this is what I'm dealing with today and I want to real about who I am and what I'm dealing with and I tend to go into "I'm fine mode" when I actually talk about what I'm struggling with. So I'm optimistic that tomorrow will be better but as of now, today is a bad day.