The good and the bad

Everybody has good and bad things about them, so I thought I'd share somethings about me, both good an bad that you may or may not know

1. I love being a mom but I often struggle and every night at bed time when I pray with chubster #1 ( who is a very challenging child most days) I pray with tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat that I could be the mom he needs me to be.

2. I hate my hair, it's frizzy and it doesn't do what I want it to do and it frustrates me and yet I have a hard time changing it

3. I hate it when my husband lays on my pillows and makes them warm before I get into bed

4. I have poor self body image and if you where to ask me what I like best about my body I would tell you nothing

5. I am determined to raise my daughter to love her body and herself

6. I LOVE chocolate

7. I am seriouslt addicted to Pintrest

8. It's important to me that my home is beautiful, warm, and inviting and I want every person who walks through my door to feel warmth and love and at home

9. I don't read my bible even close to enough and I'm embaressed by how little scripture I have memorized

10. # 9 is a result of the fact that I busy myself  and have a hard time sitting down

11. I worry too much

12. I want to were a bikin and look good when we go to jamaica in January

13. dark mustard yellow is currently my favorite color

14. redheads really do have bad tempurs and at one point mine left a hole in a wall, not proud of this but it's true

15. I cry.... a lot

pure sweet and beautiful

I'm back...for now :) and I'd like to introduce to you our newest member of the family

This is Lily she joined us on May 24th at 7lbs 2oz

She's perfect in every way

I'm sorry I've maintained my bad blogging reputation, but 2 little chubsters are a lot of work ( don't let any tell you different)  and pretty much take up all my time at the moment. Hopefully that will change a little bit in the near future but until then I may not be around too too much but I'll do my best.

40 weeks and holding

Well today marks 40 weeks of pregnancy, it's funny how you feel like you'll never get there and then all of a suddenly one day you're there and you think to yourself  " oh wow, that went fast" you stop and think a minute and revise your thought to " wait, no it didn't". Anyways, I'm super happy to be here, however. much like week 40 of my 1st pregnancy this is the day that my pissy hormones kick in (sorry for the language). The day started not bad, I slept well, I felt rested, and then I got up and saw the nasty weather outside and immediately flashed to having to go in to the gail force sask wind and heavy rain with the chubster in just a few hours for my Dr appointment. We get into the car and the first thing he does is kick off his shoes and refused to have them put back on while I stood in the rain trying to get them on, then we almost lost our umbrella followed by my appointment that basically comfirmed that this baby is not coming today. Full blown pissy has now hit. I had more signs of having this baby 2 weeks ago then I do today. I'm trying to be patient but it's hard because I'm sore, I'm tired, I'm big and I'm the mother of a toddler who runs NOT walks. The funny thing is that as ready as I am there are a lot of things I'm very anxious about. Labour was long and hard and didn't end how I wanted 1st time around, breast feeding was long and hard and once again didn't end how I wanted, and these 2 things alone have my stomach in noughts and me in constand prayer that this time will be different, yet that doesn't change the fact that I am done being pregnant. I'm ready to meat our newest little chubster, I'm ready to find out what gender of sweet baby cloths I will be keeping in the closest. I'm ready to start dealing with the new challenges whatever those may be. I've nested myself to death and have nothing left that shows up on my priority radar which is new for me, there's always something that needs to be done right this minute. We've just come away from an awesome long weekend filled with good friends, beautiful weather, lots of time with our little family, and a whole bunch getting accomplished in and around the house, which I think has made me feel even more ready. But baby isn't ready to visit yet so I have to be patient and give him or her a bit more time. I'm sure chubster #2 will be here soon enough and I've made it this far so what's I little bit longer, o.k. every minute feels like an hour but I'll get over it. Hopefully next time we talk there will be a picture of a sweet new baby.

a glimps of conversation

Last night when the hubster got home we had a lovely little chat which is very similar to a lot of our conversations

me: so I painted the chubster dresser today

hubster: how does it look ?

me: Well, honestly the color you chose I really don't like at all

hubster: you let me pick the color ? did I know that's what I was doing ?

me: yes we had a big conversation about it, you didn't like any of my colors so I let you pick one from the samples I had, go look at it and tell me what you think

hubster: ( the next morning he finally looks at it) ummmm ya that color is very......interesting. I'm guessing that I didn't actually like it, I just chose it to choose one

me: SERIOUSLY ? so in the future please don't tell me you like something unless you really like it

hubster: like what ? what are you talking about

me : AHHHHHHHHHHHH WHYYYYYYYYYYY ( hit head on wall and head to home depot to buy a new color paint )

busy as a bee

Well, it's been awhile. I'm sure many of you have given up on me but I'm here now :) Life has been a whirl wind, I honestly wonder were the time goes, and then I look at my to do list and think "oh there it is". I'm 34 weeks pregnant and very nervous to enter the world of 2 kids, on the flip side I'm anxious and ready. I've had a really good pregnancy this time around which I'm so thankful for, however I'm still ready to be done. I've entered the stage of uncomfortable everything, uncomfortable sleeping, standing, sitting, bending and most of all uncomfortable chasing. Pregnancy is VERY different when your chasing another around, and when I say chasing I mean full out sprinting to either catch or save something my very active chubster has seen or wants to see. I never thought such a small person would be able to move so quickly.

the Hubster is busy busy with work and still learning how to balance running his own business with family time, but he's getting much better. I'm thankful for long weekends because these extra days with us reminds him of how wonderful time together is. It's always hard to go back to the day to day after 3 days of fun and laughter.

Easter was great, family, food, naps and most importantly celebrating the amazing gift Christ gave us when he died for our sins. We tried to talk to the chubster about it but let's be honest, our 19 month old just looked at us and signaled that he wanted to go outside to play with Honey the hound. We did an egg hunt with him yesterday and he caught on very fast and loved every minute of carrying his Easter basket ( which was a sand bucket because I didn't want a basket that would just be stashed somewhere) and collecting all the plastic eggs. He was even more excited when he realized there was candy inside. Even Honey participated and ate all the peeps that Isaiah that were so funny to feed her. Hopefully I don't have a sick doggy today.

We've started to empty the the 2nd bedroom as we gear up to switch The chubster into a big boy room. Man it's a lot of work trying to find sensible places to but all the crap you've been piling up/hiding in the unused closet, but we're getting there. The chubster thinks it's awesome being as there is currently only the mattress left laying on the floor and it's perfect height for him to hop up and jump on it, or grab all, and yes I do mean every single one of his books, call mommy over and repeat " more more" until I've read as many as I can and have come up with a new fun game to take his mind of reading dozens of books over .........and over again.

well, there is my little update, I hope everyone had a great Easter long weekend and I'm sorry that inevitable Monday has shown up again. Have a great week

nesting or withdrawl

So we're still out of our house ( insert sad face), however we're planning on moving back in this weekend. We won't have base cabinets or a kitchen sink for cabinets but to be honest at this point I don't care, and after a very frustrating conversation with the cabinet people who said the cabinets will still be 3 weeks that was enough to put me over the emotional edge leading to a phone call asking out restoration guy if he could put the rest of our house back together so we could move back. My very grateful heart was so thankful that he so willing did so in such a fast manor that we will be able to go in asap ( insert happy face)

Joel and I took a little vacation about a week ago and headed down to New York, it was an amazing trip and much needed for both him and I. We did everything you need to do while there and ate WAYYYYY more food then you should, but it was so good. We flew my mom in so she could have some time to connect with the chubster and that went really well. I was nervous being that it was the first time we'd be leaving him for a long period of time but I knew he was is great hands and he had a great time with his grandma and we had a great getaway.

Since being home I've had this crazy urge to start getting our house ready for Chubster #2, I'm not sure if this is the approaching 3rd trimester nesting kicking in already or if it's with drawl because I haven't been able to do my favorite thing for so long, making my house a warm and inviting home. It's probably a bit of both, either way I need to start cleaning, organizing and DIYing before I explode. Chubster's big boy bedroom is constantly on my mind along with the urge to start filling my freezer with frozen meals and goodies for the hubster. I want to clean out closets and purge the unused items that are taking up valuable space that will be needed in the very near future. Just talking about this makes me so happy. I'm so close I can feel it, maybe because the weekend is less then 24hrs away or maybe because I couldn't handle it anymore so the chubster and I went on a trek to Home Sense and Urban barn this morning and purchased some super cute little things that will aid in organization and springing up the house ( as it stands all my Christmas garland and lights are still on the upper cabinets and the fire place mantle and it's time for that season to go bye bye)

well it's time to go because I hear a little mister stirring in his bed ready to play play play

They can, so why can't I

This will probably be one of the most personal blog I will ever write and all though I tend to keep these things to myself I'm ready to explode so I need to put it out there so please don't judge me, and if you do want to judge me then that's fine just keep it to yourself because I'm hard enough on myself without your "thoughts and opinions " besides I'm guessing that chances are those of you who do judge have never been here.

I've spent a lot of my life keeping things to myself, I wasn't vault tight or anything when it came to sharing but I would rather not talk about what has bothering me or hurting me. For those of you who do this DON'T. I say don't because I know that if it hasn't happened already at some point something breaks in you and it is not an easy things to fix.

I can actually remember the moment the place and person who was the final flying rock at my already cracked windshield and in that moment I was broken. Since that moment it has been a very slow process of finding every little crack and fixing it. It's slow and at points it feels like I'm going backwards alot faster then I'm going forward.

"THEY CAN, SO WHY CAN'T I " is a thought that plagues me every time something is going on in my life that I can't figure out how to deal with. Around 6 months after I had my son I gave in and went on a medication for post partum depression, a life time of pent up feelings topped by crappy pregnancy, brutal labour and a very challenging baby put me in a place a lot worse then I had ever been, something really wasn't right and every attempt to fix it fell flat, so for my sake and for the chubsters sake I accepted the perscription and it helped andlife did turn around, I could actually enjoy little things and deal with things with out mealting down from an overflow of overwhelming feelings and anxiety. The problem and what's so hard for me is that even on this medication my ability to deal is still below par when I compare myself to others. They stay so calm and collected and don't let these situations sake them to the core, if they can do this why can't I.

It has been a really hard month ( as I'm sure you can tell by my debby down blog posts) but this week has been really hard and I'm in that exact same situation, I can't deal in an affective way and I'm left crying on the couch, a big mess, broken and feeling like a failure. lots of people can do this, why can't I. Why do I want to run and hide, why do I feel like what is going on is never going to end when I know it will, why am i such a mess because there's really no reason I should be, and why can they do it but I can't?